After sound rebukes from those who commented on my previous article (Twilight Sucks… And Not In A Good Way), like ‘Sydnie’ and ‘Kalo’, who wrote, “All of your opinions are completely FALSE!” and “YOU JUST THINK TOO MUCH JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE !” respectively, I decided to listen to those like ‘Melissa’ who demanded that I “write a bookseries[sic] that is that popular and, in [their] opinion, genious[sic]” before earning the privilege to criticize Stephenie Meyer’s dismal oeuvre.
You know what? They’re right. What right do I have to dislike a published novel? How dare I exercise my 1st Amendment rights and express my opinion about the Twilight series without also having sold 1.3 million books in a single day?
And what about all of those who agree with me? They aren’t allowed to dislike the books either if their own work hasn’t yet spawned “millions” of fan-sites.
I decided that it was only right for me (as the author of the original article) to try and help out all those people who would love to engage in literary criticism but don’t yet have that right to freedom of thought. So, here it is:
How to Write a Bestseller Just Like Twilight:
1. Abuse the thesaurus (correct word usage optional; purple prose is a must). If you want to ‘spice up’ your writing so that it sounds just like Meyer’s, a handy thesaurus is key. Then you too can write glorious and dazzling (and dazzlingly glorious) passages like the following:
He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.
If you do not have at least three modifiers* for every noun, you’re doing it wrong. Some authors like George Orwell (1984, Animal Farm) have rules like “Never use a long word where a short one will do” and “If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out”, but since Stephenie Meyer is apparently the golden standard for writing young adult literature these days, it’s probably best to ignore Orwell and follow her example instead.
* Bonus points if you use the same modifier multiple times in close proximity of one another. Good examples of words to use this way include “chagrin”, “murmured”, and “chuckled”.
2. Do not research. It is not necessary to waste time getting biology facts, cultural lore, or cultural history correct. For example, if you choose to set your novel in a real-life place, don’t bother visiting it. If you incorporate the ideas of another culture, such as that of the Sioux Native Americans, absolutely do not speak to any Sioux elders or Sioux scholars-as the author, you have no responsibility to accurately portray anything. Instead, take what history you can find out on the Internet and feel free to bastardize their cultural lore so that it fits into your story. Also, if you decide to use science to explain some of your fantasy elements, don’t bother making it logically or factually sound.
3. Do not give your characters personalities. Instead, make sure that your female lead is as perfect as possible (but don’t forget to give her a contrived sense of humility). Obviously she must be pretty and smart, but don’t bother giving examples of her intelligence; all you have to do to tie up that loose end is mention bad interpretations of classic literature. To make sure that she isn’t TOO perfect, she needs a flaw. This is where it gets tricky; if you give her a true flaw, like hubris, she is less appealing. Therefore, use a “flaw” like clumsiness so that a) she is endearingly klutzy (allowing socially awkward young girls to put themselves in her shoes) and b) you have a great deus ex machina that allows your male lead* to swoop in and save the heroine from impaling** herself on a pencil after an attempt at a magic trick.
* It is sometimes helpful to give your female heroine an Electra complex, as this further romanticizes the idea of the male hero carrying her around, watching her as she sleeps, being 100+ years older than her, etc., etc.
** It is important to note that the heroine should not have to sacrifice anything besides her ambition. If you think she SHOULD sacrifice something, make sure that she’s only giving up her family and friends so that the she can devote her entire life and purpose of being to the hero. She should NOT have any kind of hobbies, interests, etc. outside of the hero, and if he leaves her she should become suicidal.
That brings me to the male lead. While it’s a given that he must be a perfect physical specimen, be careful not to give him any actual identifying characteristics because this will reduce your reader’s ability to superimpose the image of her own ‘perfect man’ over the hollow shell of your character. As for personal traits, it’s extremely effective to write him as a caricature of the Byronic hero. Your hero should be brooding, pseudo-dangerous, and have a deep, dark secret to cement his status as a sexy ‘bad boy’. Additionally, he must be extremely wealthy, drive fast cars, and enjoy watching the heroine sleep unawares.
4. Ensure that your heroine and hero’s relationship is abusive. An effective way to do this is to make sure that your male hero fulfills several of the requirements for relational abuse. A good definition of that is this one, from Wikipedia:
Abusive relationships are often characterized by jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, infidelity, sexual coercion, verbal abuse, broken promises, physical violence, control games and power plays.
Personally, I recommend using jealousy, lack of intimacy, sexual coercion, broken promises, and controlling behavior because those are all quite easy to justify; all the hero must do is claim that he acts out of his desire to protect the heroine from danger because of his overwhelming love for her. Additionally, if there is another possible romantic interest for the heroine outside of the hero, isolating the heroine from him is a particularly effective method for the hero to use. One example might be siphoning the gasoline from the heroine’s moped to prevent her from leaving her house.
It is especially important to note that the heroine must not find fault in the hero for his abusive actions, as that would make him much less appealing. Instead, she should excuse his behavior by saying “he just loves me” and then continue to submit to his will.
If you’re worried that this might send a bad message to young, hormonal teenagers struggling through their own romantic relationships, don’t be. After all, as Heather says, “This is a BOOK a FICTIONOUS BOOK”, and no one has ever been influenced by a work of fiction in the history of the world, ever. Not even people back in the 1800s who read books like Uncle Tom’s Cabin. In the same way that people are not influenced by advertising or by peer pressure, reading novels does not have the least bit influence on anyone, least of all teenagers whose brains haven’t finished developing.
5. There should be no plot. Even though you may think that rising action, climax, falling action, and character development are important in a novel, they’re not. Instead, focus on the perfection of the male hero. If your editor forces you to write a plot, make sure it’s just another opportunity for the hero to save the heroine.
6. Profit!
Well, there you have it! I hope this helps those of you hoping to write your own ‘Twilight’. And to those of you who were concerned over my literary critique of the series, I promise to follow the steps above before I even think about publically disliking something again in the future.
Read my thoughts on Midnight Sun here.
Comments
527 Responses to “Twilight: A Follow-Up, and a Promise”
[...] Twilight: A Follow-Up, and a Promise [...]
You’re amazing. Seriously, I can’t say it enough.
Oh, guess what. Breaking Dawn has 111 uses of the word “murmur” and its variations. How skilled is that? SMeyer is definitely the epitome of a good writer. /sarcasm
You have left me speechless.
An article made solely to…??
I can’t even say it. I don’t even see the point. Just what is this supposed to prove, exactly? Sure, an opinion is always worth hearing or viewing or whatever, but this is just…it’s not even an opinion….I don’t know the word for it. It’s not exactly pathetic, but something similar. Maybe I WILL get a thesaurus.
So her writing style doesn’t appeal to you, and you make THIS? Bash it from every angle? Criticize every flaw? LOOK for mistakes so you can try to squeeze some merit out of them? NOW I’m mad.
Congratulations, you have evoked some emotion out of a fellow reader and writer. But not in a good way. Something tells me, though, that you don’t care. The reason I am still writing this is because of the few who do.
And quietcorvin, there’s a REASON for that many uses of the word! The vampires aren’t exactly LOUD people, like myself and others.
And this really pushed me to my limit.
“In the same way that people are not influenced by advertising or by peer pressure, reading novels does not have the least bit influence on anyone, least of all teenagers whose brains haven’t finished developing.”
I know PLENTY - that means; many, a lot, quite a few, a number of, etc, etc - teenagers that have not lost their brains to the Twilight books! And even the ones who have will quickly be shown that it is not so in the real world. Are you saying that SM’s books have a tighter hold on them than reality? Because that is not true - in ANY case. And if it is, well, it’s not as common as you would think.
I’m obviously not left without words anymore, am I?
Ha. The people who make generalizations - in and out of the Twilighterdom - it’s sad to think how much support they have.
Which reminds me -
“And what about all of those who agree with me?”
What ABOUT them? What about the people who support SM and her books? The people who supported Malcolm X before he changed his views?
I will refer to a quote that I don’t know how long has been around -
“What is popular is not always right, and what is right is not always popular.”
Take your argument skills and use them towards something useful, like the ethics of abortion. The Twilight Saga is not something to be totally and completely torn apart for analyzing, unless it’s physiology, or the friendly debates that went on at the end of your previous article.
This just makes me sick to my stomach. I repeat; I can’t even see the point to this.
Take a chill pill, Carissa. Literary analysis is a valid form of expression. Don’t let the negative stuff get to you. Learn how to laugh; it’s just a BOOK. Christ. I mean it’s one thing to get into an amiable debate with someone but to get totally butthurt over it is quite another.
I repeat: take a chill pill.
Oh, forgot to add: It’s STILL bad writing to use a single word that many times in one piece of writing. It’s redundant and unneeded.
quietcorvin;
Quite right. I overreacted.
I didn’t know how to respond…in reflection, perhaps I shouldn’t have. I just got so mad. ><;;
Ok I just finished reading the follow-up and all I gotta say is…*sniffle* you are my hero! If this doesn’t get through those fangirl’s thick skulls NOTHING will.
What kind of problem do you have?!?! You got your opinion out there already and if you don’t like some of the responses to it, tough luck. You didn’t need to write a whole different article just to prove that your right!!
And I don’t want any of you b*tches telling me that I’m being imature or whatever ’cause you’re not my mom.
Dear Abby,
…can’t you just go off into a corner someplace where you proceed to situate yourself into the fetal position, plug your ears, and hum repetitively till you think of happy thoughts?
Honestly it’s just an opinion if you don’t like it that’s fine, but you don’t have the right to tell the author of the article to stop voicing said opinion just because it makes you angry. BOO WOO.
Beautiful.
Excellent piece, Ms. Rice.
You did it again Kellen!
Seriously, the world needs more people like you.
I hope I don’t get bashed for defending the book again but I’m just going to go ahead and say my piece.
I did prefer this article to your last one (If you can’t laugh at yourself what can you do, right?)
Stephenie Meyer never considered being a writer. She wrote Twilight for herself and then people told her she should try to get it published. She constantly says that her writing is by no means perfect and that she is learning all the time. It’s just her style. Some authors will have little to no dialogue in their books others will have no description whatsoever.
She does overuse the thesaurus in some cases but in that particular paragraph that you used there I quite liked them. I remember first reading it and how curious I was to see what Edward was like in the sun and the words helped me create a perfect picture.
She didn’t really get any facts about Forks wrong so I don’t really know what you mean by doing no research. Unless she put in paragraphs of the towns history I don’t really see where it comes in use. I’ll agree with you about the scienece element, I’m still confused about the venom.
I know of many people who don’t like Bella, I do. Many characters in young adult books, especially of the fantasy genre, are beautiful and graceful and strong, have a sarcastic wit and know where they stand. Bella is the first character who, to me, seems in anyway realistic. The pull of the book is the romance between Edward and Bella. I don’t really see hobbies and interests coming into it like she she had to pause to do her flute practice or go off to take a horse riding lesson.
You described Edward pretty straight on! But I still like him. I say Midnight Sun will give us a bit more insight into his personality. Although in most cases any character marked as ‘funny’ or ’studious’ or something like that are seen as the ones with personality.
Abusive? I wouldn’t call their relationship that. Jealousy is found in most relationships and I think both the characters are pretty intimate. Controlling? Yes, but Edward admits that he did wrong and let’s Bella be.
I’m slightly confused about there being no plot. I thought there were plots. James, The Volturi, Victoria, The Volturi. Climaxs. They felt like plots to me.
It’s all about opinions, that’s what any review is. Anyone who bashes you and your articles needs to remember that. I love the Twilight series a lot, the plots, the characters and the writing. It’s not a book that is meant to be torn apart and inspected but a book to be enjoyed.
But that’s just what I think.
Ahh I love you! Ignore all the bitter peole angry about your article, because you are a hundred percent right. Twilight is at the most, a guilty pleasure. It is by no means a “saga”(who the fuck came up with that anyway?). But I’m glad your not afraid to put your opinion out there. There are too many butt kissers in the literary industry
And abby’s comment made me giggle
silly angry girl
Love this.
I don’t understand why people keep defending the purple prose and bad writing. The only explanations I can think of are that a) Twilight has rendered them something closer to brain dead or b) they’ve either never studied the proper elements of writing or done literary critiquing, or that they have done it and are just too stupid and/or blinded by irrationality that they ignore anything they’ve learned.
Carissa:
You do realize, don’t you, that the particular quote you used is more applicable toward Twilight being a bad series of books, right?
Because the majority opinion is that Twilight is a good series of books, well-written, and “flawless” - just like Mrs. Meyer’s vampires.
However, being a best-seller and popular doesn’t make a book good. Or, as you put it, “What is popular is not always right, and what is right is not always popular.”
So now I know how to write a good novel.
Try and do exactly the opposite of what you wrote there, because I actually want integrity in my writing.
Too bad Meyer doesn’t.
This was a kick-ass article! Kudos! >3
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! An amazing piece that is well written and witty, and so true. Stephenie should take a couple of writing lessons from you!
I for one speak out against these books because I care about youth literature and what becomes of it. Meyer’s books have sent us years back on so many levels. And yes, I will continue voicing my dismay as long as books as badly written as the Twilight books are published. It is an insult to us, the readers, that we’re being offered an amateur’s first attempt that was written hastily in three months with minimal research. I expect writers to be pros in their craft before I pay them. Or how many here would pay to go to a concert where someone who had studied music for only a couple of months played the violin?
My point exactly.
haha, wow. I absolutely loved this article. You did a brilliant job.
Even my twilight loving friend enjoyed it.
keep it up.
Ms. Rice, brava, that is all I can say is brava.
Abby, Your mother should wash your mouth out with soap if you sound like that in real life.
Carissa, I hope you understand how this article came out of the thousand plus posts insanity of crazy fangirls and is not indictment of you or your taste. You write as an intelligent, well spoken young woman whom I can respect even as I disagree with over literary preferences.
Lisa. Meyers IS a writer, even if she just published Twilight online as an amateur that does not excuse her from criticism or censure for a lack of research, development, or basic spellcheck.
The center of the problem with Bella is never seems to take any identity or purpose of her own not given to her by Edward. She never even gets upset with him to any lasting effect; she always ends up capitulating in the end. When Edward disables her car so she can’t go see Jacob, she gets upset and stomps around and still leaves the window open so Edward can come stare at her while she sleeps.
It is creepy and abusive in context.
And her plot threads go no where. James, The Volturi, Victoria are all taken on to the tail end of the books and never develop to any real depth. A ancient vampire Mafia spanning the globe and we get 250 pages of Bella mooning over Edward’s perfect skin.
All I can say is Breaking Dawn. Have you read it?
Meyers can spin a tale I can give her that. Her books are addicting which why the derailments are so painful. Jacob, Leah, Alice, and Seth are amazing characters, but badly misused by the plot.
Which is why I stick to fanfiction.
I’m speechless — and that doesn’t happen often — so I’ll just say, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
You get a well deserved long distance high-five from me, Ms. Rice. Well played.
They’ll still squawk about how you’re wrong, even in the face of incontrovertible evidence, or maybe they won’t. I suspect they’ll have to regress to complaining about how you’re wasting your time, it’s just a book, etc.
I really do commend you for putting yourself out there and not allowing yourself to be cowed by the hundreds of hate-filled death threats and foulmouthed insults you received on your last article.
Rice,
That was absolutely brilliant! You nailed SMeyer’s terrible writing style right on the head.
Ah, I remember Sydnie…
Hahaha, sometimes I love fans.
Perfect article, dearie. Maybe even better than your last one!
To Lisa up above, it’s quite obvious that SMeyer has defended herself by saying her writing is not perfect, she only wrote these books for herself, and they somehow managed to become bestsellers, blah blah blah. The point is, she got them published! If she was truly writing for her own enjoyment she wouldn’t have pursued publishing! I find these excuses that “she’s just a first time writer” to be highly insulting. There are many first time writers out there who could do SO much better than SMeyer!
This article isn’t a reach at all like Carissa up there seems to think. It’s called irony, and it was used perfectly. I don’t care what anyone says, all the points mentioned in the article are 100% true and cannot be disputed against from a true literary standpoint.
Meyer is a terrible writer. There are no excuses that can forgive her of that.
I love you.
Satire at it’s best! A wondeful, witty article of what NOT to do to be a good writer–verses a quick, rich one.
And I must point it out to those indignant and angry over Rice’s response:
Had you all expressed your disagreement of the original article with even a modicum of civility or intelligence beyond that of a fanatical 12 year old, we would not be blessed with an outright answer to your childish demand of being ‘proven’ before having an opinion.
Out of the multitude of CAPSLOCK comments that insulted, screamed, and used profanity at the author, only two actually defended the book with any sense of reason, using the merits of Ms. Meyer’s work, even though I may disagree with them. And as a result, you now have an article that, point-by-point, surgically picks out the problems with her writing style in ways that I’m sure you didn’t wish for the author to receive in such a public domain… but there you have it.
You represent the worst of Meyer’s audience and perpetuate a negative generalization that all Twilight readers are being lumped under. I understand the idea of escapism in fiction and that fans can easily enjoy a book through that element, but theses ignorant overreactions to literary criticisms is really painting a more immature picture to those observing this development.
Kellen Rice, you are amazing. Thank you for yet another excellent article.
Lots of love!
This reminds me of A Modest Proposal
And I loved that thing to death. Kudos to you, and hopefully we won’t have any more spastic angry fangirls. I don’t mind the sane ones - at least they have the sense to realize the obvious, and the mind to debate properly, but the crazed ones drive me nuts.
Especially the crazed ones acting as mature individuals.
Anyone remember Paige? Or Zuniga?
Oh, Zuniga! I wonder what she/he/it would say in reply to this article.
I agree that Twilight is a poorly written Mary-Sue laden, indulgent self-insert fic. And all the points you’ve made are correct.
That said I dont think that reading Twilight will actually prove harmful for teenagers.
Heavy on the sarcasm but yeah, that’s a pretty good summary of some of the most glaring things wrong with the Twilight series as a whole.
I know you’re probably miffed at the people going all WHARRGARBL at you for daring to pan the books, but just keep repeating the magical “LITERARY CRITICISM IS NOT THE SAME AS PERSONAL CRITICISM” mantra and laugh off the people freaking out about it.
Thanks again.
Oh, bless you.
Now, to all of the Twilight fans out there, remember that you cannot criticize anything you have not done. You cannot critique art if you are not artistic. You cannot critique films if you have not directed one. You cannot criticize politicians unless you become one.
Or, well, maybe you could do all of those things, but first you would have to realize that many people write, few people publish, and fewer make brain-numbing phenomena follow in their wake. Critiquing or criticizing a book you have read is not unfair. Moreover, because the people reading the book understand language and likely can read, as that’s implied in reading a book, calling the author out on poor grammar, poorer sentence construction, and poorer still word choice is not unreasonable.
And yeah, Meyer’s lack of research is the most dismal thing of all. I think the likelihood of being stalked by a group of rapists in Port Angeles is next to nil.
More people love Twilight than hate it. Remember that. A few of us actually disliking a book that shouldn’t be this popular is not going to hurt your unreasonable devotion.
Wonderful!
Twilight is honestly the most ridiculous series of books I’ve ever seen. Terrible writing, terrible plot, completely amateurish wish-fulfillment fluff.
And not to mention: it’s a complete insult to anyone who is an honest fan of vampires and other horror monsters. Thanks, Stephenie Meyer, for having the nerve (or is it just stupidity?) to actually CHOOSE to neglect doing research on the very things you are writing about! That makes me, a life-time fan of horror and vampire books/movies feel wonderful. *eyeroll* To completely morph vampires into sparkly fangless wusses is sickening. Naturally an author has the liberty to change certain features and rules, but a vampire is a creature that has a more or less solid DEFINITION. Meyer’s vampires do not have the right to be called thus.
I’m appalled there are people out there who like these books. I guess I overestimated the general intelligence of most people — who knew there are so many lonely sexually repressed girls and women out there?
Loved this article and the previous one.
I wonder what the fangirlz would do if JKR came out and said she didn’t like Twilight. Apparently, JKR is the only one who can have an opinion on the Saga because she has sold 1.3 million books in one day.
The inability of the fangirlz to accept that there are a lot of people who think the Twilight Saga is only good for making s’mores amuses me. They show up in droves every time anything negative is said or written about the books to defend them and the author with the same predictable “These books aren’t supposed to be analyzed deeply!” or “If you can’t say anything nice about them, why don’t you write about something else!” comments.
There’s also this gem, “Stephenie Meyer never wanted to be a writer so you can’t criticize her for her writing!” Bullshit. You don’t accidently publish a book the way you accidently cut your hand or bump your elbow. Meyer is a writer, albeit a poor one, and is subject to criticism regardless of her sensitive, tender, and fragile feelings. Her books are out there like the influenza virus and people are allowed to say whatever they want about them, good or bad.
As I said in my comment to your original article; you have restored my faith in young females. It’s a relief to see young women that aren’t blinded by the dazzle but instead look for substance. Extra kudos for not allowing the sheep to bully you into lowering your standards.
[...] author Kellen Rice continued the debate with another article. Here’s a bit: I decided that it was only right for me (as the author of the original [...]
Amazing!~ This article summed up about everything just plain wrong with the book. You have made me feel a whole lot better about the average teenage girl.
You deserve much love.
Soon you will provoke someone to make a YouTube video, crying and screaming at the camera, “Leave Stephenie Meyer alone!!!” And I will continue to laugh and laugh and laugh at the passionate defense these fans show for a mediocre writer with terrible ideas about romantic relationships. If only they had this same passion for their own grammar.
I just wanted to thank you for the brilliant piece! I absolutely agree with what you said about “bad interpretations of classic literature.” What particularly galled me about the Twilight “saga” are the supposed “references” to classics like Pride and Prejudice and Wuthering Heights. Supposedly, Meyer was influenced by those two classics. And yet, the messages conveyed in Twilight completely contradict those of Pride and Prejudice and Wuthering Heights.
As T. L. stated, “You deserve much love” for writing this piece.
That was very fantastic, and just to get some laughs, I’m actually considering writing up something ridiculous going by your guidelines. For all I know, it might actually sell, and then I can also be criticized, but it’ll be okay because I can just say “I never meant to be a writer!” and the legions of fangirls will support me.
Honestly though, it was beautiful, I thank you. *looks around for the rabid fangirls* Hm, not as many as I’d though there’d be… oh well, they’ll be hear soon enough. How did Robert describe it? Like the sound you hear at the gates of hell? Well, let me know if you hear it.
How can this series be harmful? By glorifying and romanticizing an abusive, creepy, controlling relationship, and by presenting a very passive female lead who depends on someone else to save her and run her life as a normal girl who many girls would love to emulate.
But it’s okay. It’s not like a popular book can influence cultural trends and reinforce social standards. Anyway, the important thing is that they’re in love.
But Ampersand, it’s twu wuv! How can you be so cynical!? *cries* YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!11
Hah! Great article, it made me laugh!
You are an awesome person.
Carissa,
Re: your deviantpage:
“The heavy analyzing can get a bit tiring - books aren’t something to be torn apart for microscopic review, in my opinion.”
Therein lie the problem with your reasoning, babe. Also, you’re going to feel really sheepish about this when you’re 25.
Kellen, I’m falling in love with you.
Seriously, write a book right now and I’ll buy it.
I second what cookie said!
Bravo! Good points!
Speaking for the abusive parts of the relationship. The excuse for all of Edward’s questionable aspects is “But he loves her and wants to protect her!”
Well, abusers don’t “mean” to abuse. It just sort of “happens.” Because they want only what’s best for their significant others, and it’s up to them to look over their SO’s and all parts of their lives because obviously the SO can’t be trusted to do it. They can still love their significant others. But “love” is not an excuse for controlling, manipulative behavior. Obsessive passion might be fun to read about, but it’s no fun to experience in real life.
The only reason such a big deal is being made about it is because we keep being told how “Perfect” Edward is. When he’s kinda …not. And not imperfect in that endearing way either. That’s not to say it was Ms. Meyer’s intent to portray her male protagonist in such a way. Or that the kids are all reading too much into this. My thirteen-year-old sister loves these books, and I had a talk with her about how if a guy broke into her room and watched her sleep, she should run the hell away.
To which she rolled her eyes at me and went: “Duh. I’d tell him to stay away from me if this was real, but it’s a book.” Score one for the tweens, I guess.
I’m ashamed to say that i am somewhat of a twilight fan, i had way too much free time after a stressful period in my life. however, i always put the books in the “beach reading” category.
i find your articles highly amusing and spot on. i found the link from a fan forum my friend asked me to join, people said that it made them feel sick, so i knew it must be good.
most logical twilight fans hated breaking dawn
i have a new hobby now, an online book club to have former twilight fans read good books
you are brilliant.
That was a joy to read. It was entertaining and informative. I can’t wait to write my own story and be just like SM!
This was excellent. I’ve been hemming and hawing about reading. Had borrowed all of the books and they sit, waiting to be read…
I don’t believe I’ll waste my time. Now, don’t misunderstand, normally I would go ahead and read in order to form my own opinion, but frankly, I just don’t have the time to waste on something I instinctively wouldn’t touch.
“b) you have a great deus ex machina that allows your male lead* to swoop in and save the heroine from impaling** herself on a pencil after an attempt at a magic trick.”
Dark Knight reference FTW!!!
This was a great read– sharp and witty–although, at the same time it’s depressing to realise just how aweful this books truly are and the grip they have on all these teenagers.
*golf clap*
Keep up the good work. Perhaps some suggestions of actual literature that this series’ target demographic might enjoy?
“Perhaps some suggestions of actual literature that this series’ target demographic might enjoy?”
How about the Dark is Rising sequence? And the Narnia books, of course.
Other vamp series — A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray.
The Alanna series by Tamora Pierce (seriously, if you want a kickass heroine, Alanna is the ONE)
His Dark Materials by Phillip Pullman
The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Anything by the following authors: Lois Duncan, Lois Lowry, Madeleine L’Engle, Caroline B. Cooney
If you really do want good mindless books, grab RL Stine and Christopher Pike.
And, of course, the Gossip Girl series. Because at least Cecily Von Ziegesar doesn’t pretend the books are anything but teen trash.
I love you. I love you so much. If my love for you was tangible, I’d choke on it. THAT’S how much I love you.
This and the previous Twilight review made me both laugh uncontrollably and nod vigorously in agreement. I hated this book with a burning passion before, but now I have even more valid reasons for it.
Words can not express how much I appreciate you writing this.
<3
The twilightards leaving “OMG WTF NO U” comments can die in a fire. You, my friend, are god.
Yeah, I have people saying that to me too - “You can criticize it when YOU’RE published.”
How about I’ve read over a hundred books in my lifetime and know bad writing when I see it? O_o
You speak the truth, and for that, I shall bow down to you. *bows*
Holy God. Carissa, did you really just equate Twilight and Malcolm X? That makes my brain hurt on so many different levels.
I could not be bigger fan of this article.
I only have one piece of chocolate left - it is yours!
I don’t have to be a world class chef to notice my ‘medium rare’ steak is charcoal, just like I don’t have to be a 1.3 mil published author to know the Twilight Saga is deeply problematic. (AND SO CAN YOU!)
Thank you, anyway. Every time I read about Twilight, I think ‘hey, I knew a guy like Edward. Yeah, he BEAT HIS WIFE.’ And I hate the ‘it’s just a book!’ argument, as though tv and books etc aren’t where we develop quite a bit of our idea of normalcy. Silly me, thinking that being able to prove things with science made them possibly, you know, somewhat accurate. But I’m a sociology student, so I’m a bit like that.
Lord. Normalising abusive behaviour is not, and will never be, anything but horrific. And with the overwhelming love of these books, sometimes I feel like the only one standing against a tide of misogyny.
And on another note, I’m convinced she wanted to write fallen angels, but couldn’t for religious and biblical reasons. (Been a while since they could breed with humans, good old Old Testament.)
This is probably weird and sort of pathetic to admit, but you sort of just changed my life. Everything you said in your previous article started out horrifyingly true and I sort of wanted to stop because I still did like the first few books…and then I started actually laughing because it was so true. So hysterically true. All those obsessed fan girls can passionately declare blasphemy, but I am so with you!
And now…Well…Yeah. I would rather be a Jane Austen than a Stephenie Meyer. And Jane Austen stayed anonymous for a large portion of her writing. And none of her characters’ personalities is defined by their chest being sculpted like her own personal Adonis and blah. Just the thought of someone drawing parallels between Elizabeth Benntet - Mr. Darcy and Bella - Edward is apalling. And all the other couples in her novels…
Amazing writing. I like you better than SM already!
Don’t you have anything better to do with your time? Seems to me you spend an awful lot of your free time overanalyzing something you really seem to hate.
Get a life.
*gets popcorn*
*waits for the fangirls to catch wind of this*
This was fantastic, by the way, Kellen.
@ cookie:
Sorry if someone said this already, but I have to say that Libba Bray’s Gemma Doyle Trilogy (what you listed as A Great and Terrible Beauty) isn’t a vampire series…er, at least as far as I can tell from reading the first two books. It’s still a pretty good series on its own, though.
This article made me laugh. Hard. I kind of want to buy you a drink for this. You know, when you’re old enough.
I especially love your quoting of the choicest bits of blind fangirl idiocy. I don’t know if they realize how stupid they sound, but hopefully seeing this will slap some sense into them.
Doubt it though. Sadly.
Jennifer: The problem with your statement is that it could easily be rephrased as, “Don’t you have anything better to do with your time? Seems to me you spend an awful lot of your free time sending snotty messages to people you disagree with. Get a life.”
So you see, nobody really wins.
Except for us, because we actually have a sense of humor.
Jennifer,
Pot meet kettle.
You are my hero. That is all I can say.
all i have to say is thank you so much.
you seriously just stated exactly what i’ve been thinking ever since the damn first book came out… i honestly thought i was going crazy, though (or everyone else was) because i seemed like i was the only person who saw that shit for what it was.
i mean, really. i laughed through all the books… especially the last one, which was particularly horrifying, plot-wise, prose-wise, and just in general-wise.
thanks again for making me feel less crazy.
Oh, I love your Twilight-related articles. It’s so refreshing to be reminded that not everyone who has read these books has been lobotomized by them. Nice work, again.
My goodness. I would just like to say that I really enjoyed not only your review of Twilight, but this helpful how-to guide as well.
Thank you very much for pointing out why this book bothered me so much - it wasn’t just the Godawful purple prose or the lack of a plot, it was the relationship between the two main characters. As a woman who was in an eerily similar relationship for a few years, I’d like to tell the teenyboppers who eat up this drivel that no, it’s not romantic and no, it’s not fun. It’s unhealthy and leaves a lasting effect on your psyche.
And as for the Twilight fans coming in here to throw fits, you’re not alone. It feels like every single bad review of Twilight, no matter how obscure it is, is linked to one of their fansites so they can raid it, letting people know that they have no right to criticize a book. They don’t realize Meyer will never grow as a writer if she doesn’t get criticism (although I doubt she’d learn anything anyway, she admitted in an interview with MTV, if I remember correctly, that she cries when she reads bad reviews). They don’t realize that you can’t slap a book together and tack on a half-assed plot in the last 80 pages. They wouldn’t know a good piece of literature if it bit them.
And thank you, THANK YOU for pointing out, above all things, that Bella is a terrible role model. I was actually insulted by her character. What on Earth is wrong with Stephenie Meyer that she thinks imprinting on an infant, controlling relationships, and women who cannot do anything without a big, strapping man to help them are okay?
Sorry if I’ve rambled. But I feel better having said it.
Seriously, think you for this.
Utter perfection, I bow to you.
I don’t even know who you are, and I think I love you. Seriously, this was not only spot-on, but you managed to write it with just the right amount of sarcasm, which only served to lend this article an air of horrifying, eye-opening truth.
Carissa: You quote “What is popular is not always right, and what is right is not always popular.”, yet I don’t think you really understand what you’re saying there. In fact, that quote works perfectly - against you. According to that quote, The Twilight Series is not “right” (which it really isn’t), because it is so wildly popular. On the other side of the argument, the opinion that the series is horrid is vehemently opposed by many fans, making it highly unpopular, therefore, “right”. Coincidence? I think not.
Wow, out of the 60+ comments, most of them agreed with this article. I guess Breaking Dawn or the whole Twilight saga really was that bad to others. Of course, I loved it. That said, I will defend the Twilight saga and Stephenie Meyer.
This article was almost as bad (actually, it was far worse) as your previous one in terms of your opinion; gramatically, it was great (as expected from a literary student). Your heavy/lame sarcasm almost made it too unbearable for me to finish reading this article. I mean, I’m not saying that you’re not entitled to your opinion, after all freedom of speech eh? Actually, it’s not this article that’s making me so irritated right now, it’s the comments to this article. I bet that some of these people who are now calling you their hero once called Stephenie Meyer their hero, if not, they probably did admire her and really loved Twilight. There wasn’t so much negativity towards the Twilight saga until Breaking Dawn came out. Obviously, Breaking Dawn didn’t turn out right for some people, but it doesn’t mean that these maybe former fans can just stomp and bash Stephenie Meyers. If they didn’t like it, then they should just forget about it instead of trying to find mistakes and accuse Stephenie Meyers of everything! Some of these people probably didn’t even care about the grammar or whatever Stephenie Meyer used, until articles like this pointed it out. Now that these mistakes are pointed out, people are now trying to look even harder for these errors so that they can criticize Stephenie Meyers even more; example: an earlier commentator counted how many times Stephenie Meyers used the word “murmur”?
And then there is the whole profit issue. You think Stephenie Meyers is writing these books for the money? She said so herself in an interview that she wrote these books for herself (as someone pointed out earlier) and that if her books were to fall, she wouldn’t mind. She’s just happy that others can share her amazing dream and story. And for just a beginner in the whole publishing world, she’s doing amazing and she continues to stay true to herself. I really admire her for that. People who are reading my comment now are probably going to say, “stayed true to herself? but she put a sex scene!” psh, big deal. She wrote it after Bella and Edward were married. As much as I hate Stephenie Meyers being compared to JK Rowling, I’m going to make a small comparison. Both of them started writing novels out of the blue and their books became super popular, however, there wasn’t much controversy over the last book of Harry Potter. If you channeled your anger towards the Harry Potter books (I’m not saying you should! I said IF) you’d be able to find grammatical errors too… not to mention, the plot sort of deviated a little towards the later books. So it’s kind of like that for many books. (Oh and when I say “you,” I don’t mean the writer of this article, I mean everyone) All in all, people can be a real selfish brat when things don’t go their way, enough to hate the person you once maybe looked up to are just liked.
Oh and lastly, even though I absolutely adore, love, look up to Stephenie Meyers, thank you for writing both of these articles, because it showed how disgustingly fake some “fans” can be.
This one, honey. I’m not EVEN going to get into it. You’re 19 FRICKIN’ YEARS OLD. Who says YOU know how to write a smash hit of a novel? If you could do ANY better and you could be even MORE FAMOUS than Stephenie Meyer, I dare you to oblige my curiosity. Because I KNOW you’ll fail miserably. And I really hope you do. Trying to drag a good story through the mud. Shame on you. Enough said.
I just want to say how much I love you for doing this. It was absolutely hilarious, not to mention very much accurate. (And Dark Knight allusion just made it even more incredible!)
I really love you.
Two home runs in one series is pretty good for anyone, bless your heart!
I want the record to state that I have never nor will I ever be a fan of Stephenie Meyer or her work. Breaking Dawn did not turn me against the books, Twilight did. I let Meyer’s work speak for itself and it did so in a voice so painful I’d rather have a root canal without anesthetic than go near one of those books again.
I’d really like to know why fans feel they absolutely have to defend the books so vehemently. Twilight is the only fandom I know of that has an equally large anti-fandom and both the books and the true fans are the reasons why.
I didn’t read all the responses here (there are too many, and too many ignorant ones) but I get the general idea as to what they entail.
I just want to point out that you are hopping mad about absolutely nothing of any import.
The books are meant to be a pleasurable reading experience. As someone else here put it, a guilty pleasure.
Aesop’s Fables these are not. And are not meant to be.
They are out there for the sole purpose of entertainment. Period. Not to teach a moral lesson, not as an instruction guide to relationships, not as a model by which you should live your life.
Entertainment, pure and simple.
If you weren’t entertained, well that’s your perorgative, pure and simple, but your repeated bashing of the books sounds like a spoiled little girl who is mad because she didn’t get her new Barbie doll.
As a parent, I can safely say that the education of young girls and the responsibility to ensure that they know their self-worth and value in a relationship falls to the parents. Not to a pop cultural phenonmenon.
To imply that a book is responsible for the outlook and perspective of a tween/teen audience is ridiculous. The sad fact of the matter is that it is the fault of the parents.
The book is an innocent bystander, and your destructive criticism was unneccesary and unsavory.
omg. children. Stop bitching and trying to prove your points right- they’re all opinions, and the only thing talking right now are your egos. Just stop and listen for a second, and formulate your own opinion, and respect the fact that not everyone will agree to you. You don’t *have* to read this; you don’t *have* to read Twilight, either. But why would you read something just for the soul purpose of being able to say how “wrong” it is?
*Peace.* To each their own, really.
APPLAUSE.
ON SO MANY ACCOUNTS.
You have very plainly, openly, and concisely described many of Twilight critics’ or disappointed or re-enlightened fans’ opinions on the matter. It’s ridiculous how such an innocent ‘o this is just a little romantic diddy of a story’ has snowballed with so much effect on the American teenage girl!
I just got done rewatching Pride & Prejudice and found why I like it so much more. The development is so subtle. The development is real. There’s such actual struggle between personality rather than outside forces, and no vastly purple declarations of adoration.
You are fantastic! Thank you for giving us a voice!
(Still hopelessly addicted to this series despite my better judgment…)
I think the people who write long comments commenting about how how Kellen is wasting her time on something she hates have no sense of irony.
I was typing before Christina made her post, and I just have to say really fast that I agree entirely.
Exactly what I was trying to make come out of my mouth, in a short version.
@ Molly - well, maybe *we* like expressing *our* opinions as well.
The difference here is that we do it to contribute another view in the minds of people who may not have seen an alternative way before - this way we are expressing is *peace*. You have your opinions, other people have theirs. It’s simple, really.
All in the world is not exactly how it initially seems, I’m afraid.
…Still no sense of irony…or hypocrisy.
A dozen roses and a drink for you…you deserve it!
@>—`—–`— x 12
& \_/ !
My daughter and I just had a good laugh over this. Two fantastic pieces! But you did forget to mention all the continuity errors in this mastepiece, like Charlie’s pancakes turning into cereal.
I especially liked the part about Native Americans. That always bothered me…that depiction of life “on the rez.” We have Potawatomie in the family, so maybe I picked up on it easier than most, but it was tacky.
If Stephenie didn’t want reviews of her work, she should have kept it to herself, or just shared it with her friends, instead of selling it to the public.
no - i think you are missing the part where i said our intentions behind writing are different.
kellan wrote it for the pure joy of bashing something; i am writing in explanation of a different view that hasn’t *actually* been looked at. I am writing, right now, to ‘educate’ and open peoples minds.
and you know what? i was actually *expecting* someone to post right after saying the same thing that you did, as i wrote the post. I have a sense of irony - it just isnt applicable right now, as you so think it is.
To Molly: I love a good example of irony. Debating the merits of an entertainment-purposed book series in society is not that.
And I never said she was wasting her time. I said she sounded like a spoiled little girl. My daughter has better manners. If you can’t say something nice and all that…
To Alisha: Glad to be of assistance. I made an effort to be clear, concise, and straightforward. Although I did accidentaly put “pure and simple” twice. For shame. A novel writer I am not. *sigh*
LOL
LOL for shame
And no problem - im glad someone shared the same-ish view that i do. ^^
I know several people who share your view. My sisters and sister-in-law among them. We are a family of readers.
Just to put it out there, I noticed most of the typographical and time “narrative consistancy” errors but overlooked them in favor of entertainment value.
The most I would say about that is to get yourself a new editor, because that’s what you pay them to catch. Inconsistancies and whatnot. You can’t hold SM entirely responsible. It’s hard to catch your own mistakes.
As any literary student should know.
I’m liking Tom
Keep on going girls, you’re giving me the giggles.
Here’s what I think about commenters who find an article like this to be bashing: No, bashing is the insanity that was the comments of the previous ariticle. God forbid she respond intelligently, if somewhat snarkily, to those remarks.
Also, she’s not really “bashing” the readers, she’s “bashing” the writing and the story. If you can’t see that, it’s no wonder you like the books.
hmm.. okay molly. Since you obviously don’t hold the will to *get* it i am done repeating the same thing… over and over. XP
And thats great to hear, christina! ^^ Sometimes i wonder if compassion in this world is lost, but things keep coming to me telling me that it’s not.
Christina writes:
I said she sounded like a spoiled little girl. My daughter has better manners. If you can’t say something nice and all that…
Laughing at this comment and the commentor’s inability to see the hypocrisy.
“no wonder you like the books”
I love the books. Actually, I pretty much love all books of any kind. I will read most anything, and have pulled many an all-nighter to finish a book I found, at best, to be mediocre. Romances, histories, science fiction, whatever. I love to read.
I read for the sake of reading. Try it some time. You might like it.
Alisha - All is not lost. Although my husband might tell you I am not a stunning example of the compassionate soul! Ha ha.
But as someone who, at one time, might have aspired towards writerdom (a dream that died a noble and necessary death), I do have compassion and admiration for anyone who puts themselves out there with their work (however good or bad) and makes themselves vulnerable to the kind of hypocrisy and condescension I have seen recently.
CHH writes:
Laughing at this comment and the commentor’s inability to see the hypocrisy.
The hypocrisy was intentional. I’m sorry you missed that one.
Sorry then. Some of the fans are so sincere in their comments that I have trouble believing some of them even know what hyprocrisy is, much less recognize it.
At the moment, you’re my favourite person in this world.
Molly–>> not to gang up on you since I see two others are against you, though I don’t blame them, you can’t really say that the people who are writing long comments are wasting their time. I mean, you can write them, since you obviously already did, but who are you to say that we are wasting our time? I’m free to do whatever I want with my time and I am very happy that I used some of my time to write what I had to say (I don’t care if I spent two hours writing what I had to say). If you say that we are wasting our time “complaining” than we can say that Kellen wasted her time writing this article. But I’m not, because she wanted to state her opinion and we want to state ours!
CHH writes:
Sorry then. Some of the fans are so sincere in their comments that I have trouble believing some of them even know what hyprocrisy is, much less recognize it.
No harm done =)
My comments are always sincere, but not necessarily simplistic.
I just thought most of the article was unneccesary and cruel, to be perfectly honest. SM put herself out there with the books, and while I agree that she opened herself to crticism, I’m a believer in the constructive kind, not the “I hate you hate you hate you let me slam the door in your face and tell you I wish I had never been born” kind. AKA teenage melodrama.
Maybe Twilight will never be a model of American literature (although who can say for sure?) but the cruelty of the responding articles was uncalled for.
That was seriously one of the best articles I’ve ever read about Twilight. I have no idea what the hell everyone is bitching about on here - I think the books are ‘okay’ (to make fun of), and I personally find you hysterical nevertheless.
Don’t ever change, man. Keep up the great work.
Oh oops, I forgot.
CHH- alright, so your record is stated that Breaking Dawn didn’t turn you from SM. Let me make myself clear- I didn’t say everyone, I said some people… so you really didn’t have to state your record. I don’t really care.
We are defending the Twilight saga and Stephenie Meyers because there are people like you who are so heated to criticize the books and the author! By the way, we don’t “have to” (as you said) defend the books and SM, we want to. They are just very special to us. Wouldn’t you want to defend things/people that you really like or look up to?
@ Christina
This article IS concrit. It’s basically saying what not to do–i.e., what Meyer did poorly. I think it’s very helpful to writers (and if Meyer ever read it, if she could get past the butthurt and her egomania then it might help her, too). It says to go easy on the thesaurus, to do your research, to avoid “perfect” characters, and to really scrutinize your characters’ actions. How is that “I hate you I hate you, etc.”? Granted the writer chose to give the article a humorous bent, but I don’t think that was wrong or childish of her.
“How is that “I hate you I hate you, etc.”? Granted the writer chose to give the article a humorous bent, but I don’t think that was wrong or childish of her.”
I was making reference to the overlying emotion of moral outrage I detect in the article. (Particularly in the first article)
It is possible that I misinterpreted her feelings on the subject, but I just get the feeling from her writing that she despises both book and author, and in all honesty, I have no idea why. It seems childish to hate something so thoroughly, especially since the book has done her no harm.
It’s the kind of thing I notice in religious zealotry, and it bothers me on a level I can’t fully explain. The ability to hate so totally, without logical reason.
Twilight is by no means the worst book ever written, grammatically or otherwise.
Sorry there was supposed to be one more sentence but I accidentally clicked submit:
So what’s there to hate?
@ Anna
I never told anyone they were wasting their time. But, if they think that Kellen is wasting her time by typing out her opinion, then what do they think of themselves for doing the exact same thing?
@ Christina
I read plenty, which is why I can’t stand this series.
@ Christina
While obviously the first article was a little more angry in tone than this one, I still think the author’s use of humor indicates that she’s not psycho. Same with this one - I mean, isn’t the fact that she didn’t bash people for liking the books or start preaching “OMG NO ONE MUST EVER READ THESE BOOKS EVER AGAIN!” kind of indicate that she’s not a ‘zealot’?
The impression I got from the second article was one mostly of good humor and amusement, not really craziness like you perceived. She obviously doesn’t like the books but I don’t really think she ever bashes Meyer personally.
I don’t get how disliking something, stating your opinion, and then defending that opinion is childish. I just don’t.
sparkle_motion, not only do I whole heartedly agree with you, but your name amuses me.
I love that movie.
Oh sorry Molly, I misread. I didn’t realize that the wasting your time was connected to how people think Kellen is wasting her/his time. I agree with you there though, people who think Kellen is wasting her/his (gahh is Kellen a guy or a girl) time is doing the same thing…
@ Alisha-
“But why would you read something just for the soul purpose of being able to say how “wrong” it is?”
Well, how did she know it was going to be all *wrong* until she opened the book and read it? I for one wanted to finish all four books because I wanted to see if Stephenie Meyer proved me wrong and could actually write a *good* finale. Kellen might have wanted to finish the books so she could properly criticize them and debate them in her blog posts.
@Christina-
“while I agree that she opened herself to crticism, I’m a believer in the constructive kind, not the “I hate you hate you hate you let me slam the door in your face and tell you I wish I had never been born” kind. ”
But it *is* constructive criticism. Ms. Rice discusses where the books fails and points out passages that back up her opinions. Yes, it’s angry and sarcastic, but a. it’s a column-style piece, which gives the writer more freedom with style and b. it may also be because she received so many hateful comments (and probably emails) on the level of “HOW DARE YOU CRITICIZE STEPHENIE MEYER YOU BITCH YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE AN OPINION.”
Yuki– do you write yourself? I really enjoyed her posts in the other thread.
Christina– So these books are pop culture, that excuses them from any sort of critical analysis?
The books have a seriously creepy misogynistic undertone and are being eaten by young girls like candy. You don’t think it can have some effect on young girls?
Guess I don’t have to worry about the younger generation getting oversexualized and hyper conscious about beauty and weight issues. What they read and watch won’t get internalized at all.
Meyers wrote the books, she published the books, but she is not responsible for her spelling, themes, or keeping her own canon straight?
Every story has themes, context, and meaning. Even Dr. Seuss or Dean Kootz. It is inherent to storytelling.
Molly,
It’s my favorite movie, and I thought the subject matter at hand (y’know, sparkly vampires *eyeroll*) made ’sparkle_motion’ an appropriate handle.
@ Sparkle
Well, as I stated previously, I heard an undercurrent of inexplicable anger and emotion that I thought far transcended the nature of the so-called “crime.” Hate without reason, as it were, if not “zealotry” (although I never actually said she was a zealot, only that I see a similarity in her moral outrage to zealots. I also never said she was psycho, but forgive me if I pass on the kool-aid at her party)
From my perspective it was like watching a two year old have a meltdown because she got an orange popsicle instead of a red one.
In that light, it seemed childish.
Also as I have previously stated, my interpretation is subjective and therefore possibly faulty.
Much like the opinions expressed in said article.
@ Cookie
The “angry and sarcastic” part sort of detract from the “constructive” part. Instead, it comes across and condescending and overbearing. Not the best ways to convince someone of anything.
@ Riana
“So these books are pop culture, that excuses them from any sort of critical analysis?
The books have a seriously creepy misogynistic undertone and are being eaten by young girls like candy. You don’t think it can have some effect on young girls?”
All works are open to critical analysis. I just think that being cruel about it is unnecessary. As I have said countless times on this forum.
I believe that all minds (not just those of the young) are impressionable. In fact, the responses to this article prove that. What I was trying to say in my response was that it is the responsibility of PARENTS to monitor children and their viewing/reading/social habits. Are you implying you expect authors, moviemakers, etc. to censor their work because a child might read it.
@ Christina
Okay, when kids have a ‘childish tantrum’, usually they’re screaming and incoherent and jumping up and down and basically not making any sense. I fail to see how that translates into either of these articles - in both, Rice made valid points backed up by logic (and yah, her subjective interpretation). She disliked the books, she obviously had a problem with the message… but she didn’t scream and cry about it. She presented her opinion clearly and reasonably (if a little snarkily). In the end, her purpose (as I see it anyway) was to a) make people think a bit and b) entertain (hence the humor).
Also, you mentioned the ‘inexplicable anger’ and I think it’s fair to suggest the idea that people everywhere have different perspectives based on their own experiences. maybe Kellen, I dunno, has been discriminated against on the basis of her sex or maybe she’s been in an abusive relationship… wouldn’t that give her good reason to feel emotional about the subject? Yes, it’s subjective but at the same time I think it’s reasonable to take a step back and realize that people react to things in different ways… her anger is no less valid than your apathy, and makes her no more or less a psycho than the outrageous Twilight fans who gave her death threats.
basically, she wrote two articles with logical and valid points. I don’t see how that’s a tantrum. obviously you have a different interpretation (which I’m not saying is wrong, she could be a crazy psycho bitch, but I for one agree with her on this subject)
“maybe Kellen, I dunno, has been discriminated against on the basis of her sex or maybe she’s been in an abusive relationship… wouldn’t that give her good reason to feel emotional about the subject? ”
Certainly it would, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for anyone who has dealt with any situation of that nature.
I was only stating my opinion as I saw the situation. It may be, perhaps, that we must agree to disagree.
And perhaps a better metaphor for what I meant about the anger would have leaned more towards a teenager lashing out at the oh-so-unfairness of life instead of a two year old with a popsicle. Frankly, the popsicle episode took less time to type ha ha!
And shame on anyone who threatened Kellen with death! Good grief, what is the world coming to when people can’t have a reasonable (and good-natured?) debate on a difference of opinion?
@ Christina
here are some gems from the other article:
“OK people SHUT THE FUCK UP,if people like this book stop dissing it and stop compareing it to FRICKIN harry potter!they are 2 different series.and in the 2nd book BELLA SAVES EDWARD FYI!!!!!!!!!!!so there bella is a great role model she cooks for her dad,takes care of her mother,and does her homework and is an excellent stdent!and smeyer said bella will go to colleage but as infinate time so ahe can do what ever.so in conclusin if you say twilight sucks YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GO TWILIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“This article is awful ! Thanks for bowing out because honestly the Twilight fanbase just doesn’t deserve someone who’s so NEGATIVE in the community. I loved the books and so did MILLIONS so your just one of those people who can’t just take the ride and enjoy it for once. YOU JUST THINK TOO MUCH JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ! Well anyways I hope you find what your looking for because I doubt you’ll find it !”
KELLEN RICE: GROW UP, go to your local store and buy a brain, and don’t insult things you obviously don’t understand!!!
o fuck off u dumbass moronic bastards. it’s a damn great series and you know it. u dickheads are stupid. u suck….and not in a good way
OH MY GOSH HOW THE HECK CAN YOU SAY THAT?!?!?!?!?! TWILIGHT IS AN INSPIRATION!!!! WHAT THE WEREWOLF (HEHE) IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!YOU ARE SICK!!! WHAT THE CRAP DUDE!!!!!!! YOU ARE A WEREWOLFIN WEREFOLF WHO SHOUND GO TO WEREWOLF!!!!!!!!! WTH?!?!?!?!?!?! WHAT THE HECH IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU SICK PERSON??!?! DONT WRITE AN ARTICLE ABOUT IT!!! JUST SAY THAT YOU DONT CARE FOR IT AND KEEP IT LIKE THAT!!!!! BUT DONT GO BLABBING IT OUT TO THE ENTIRE WORLD!! YOU SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR MAKING SO MANY PEOPLE MISERABLE!!!!!!!!! WHAT HTE HECK LADY, WHAT THE HECK!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? YOU JUST WANT SOME ATTENTION!!!!
So in light of all that ^^^ (and I only skimmed a little, there ARE death threats in there) maybe you see why I don’t think Rice’s articles were childish tantrums. I think it’s kind of a testament to her that she didn’t go apeshit in return… obviously she can control herself even when people are being ridiculously rude and crass to her.
@ Sparkle
I will concede your point! But only about the psychos with the death threats. I won’t be drinking their kool-aid either.
My opinion on the original opinion stands. The article makes me feel like, at any moment, someone is going to ask me if I would like to join their bra-burning.
No thanks. Once you’ve had a baby, you realize you NEED that bra.
@ Christina
I know what you mean about the first one. I agreed with most of what she was saying, but she WAS a little intense. After reading this one, i got the impression that the first article was sort of… intentionally provocative, if that makes sense? i mean, I’m sure she does believe all that stuff (she wouldn’t write an article otherwise) but given her general sense of humor with the second article (and after all her hate mail!) i have to believe that she’s not quite as extreme as the first article made her seem. ?? just my thoughts.
also, kudos to you for being the first honestly reasonable neutral (you seem neutral to me, anyway) commenter that I’ve seen. It’s a pleasure to talk to you.
@ everyone
going to bed now. hopefully will see you tomorrow morning.
@ Sparkle.
Intense is definately the word I would use. And it is quite possible she was being intentionally provocative. After your post I went back and read the article again and I’m inclined to believe that is very likely. As to the second article, I couldn’t say. In someways, it is just as provocative as the first (hence the naming of names, etc. which is almost like saying nya nya nya nya nyaaaa) and in other ways, more reasonable.
Thanks for the kudos. Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open.
On that note, I need to go to bed, I have an early morning ahead of me. *sigh* oh the days when I had no responsibilities. Where have you gone?
“This one, honey. I’m not EVEN going to get into it. You’re 19 FRICKIN’ YEARS OLD. Who says YOU know how to write a smash hit of a novel? If you could do ANY better and you could be even MORE FAMOUS than Stephenie Meyer, I dare you to oblige my curiosity. Because I KNOW you’ll fail miserably. And I really hope you do. Trying to drag a good story through the mud. Shame on you. Enough said.”
Laughing. That’s what I’m doing. Maybe it was simply the right place at the right time…like the Sex Pistols! Anybody can write a book but very few can write literature….and Meyer is not one.
This seems to be a never ending battle, and I believe that us people who have better things to do then read about a sparkling vampire should be left alone by those who don’t. Although, I must say…these debates are really wonderful.
I think you are getting the gears moving, Kellen Rice. I applaud you.
@Christina -
“The “angry and sarcastic” part sort of detract from the “constructive” part. Instead, it comes across and condescending and overbearing. Not the best ways to convince someone of anything.”
I don’t think so. I think it’s just the way Kellen might have been feeling when she wrote the blog piece. It’s not a straight article, it’s an opinion column, so she rightfully included her feelings. I don’t see how the biting sarcasm detracts from her points, because they’re still very well-reasoned.
Dear Kellen,
We are getting married and that’s final.
Love, Erynn.
I want to say something intelligible and developed in response to both of your articles, but I seem to be blown away by the sheer amounts of epic win. Thank you so much for saying what you did, and in such a perfect blend of smart and snarky. Brava. I only wish SMeyer had taken these points into account while she was writing her books.
In sum, you are awesome. ♥
Oh, and by the way people, I’ve got a few extra fold up chairs, 8 liters of root beer, 2 liters of Pepsi, some kettle corn and a few bags of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans if anyone else if going to stay and wait for the fangirls to come. Just holla at me and I’ll throw em at you. xD I’ll come back tomorrow with some eggs too so we can egg people, but you guys have to chip in and contribute also.
*sits on chair and nibbles the end of a pink bean*
YES.
That is all.
Let me first say that I enjoyed reading both your articles. Though your first one was a little too extremist for me (I agreed with it, but I guess I don’t show as much enthusiasm about it as much as you do XD), I have to say that this is a wonderful follow-up.
I was nodding at every point you made and the sarcasm really got my sides splitting.
People don’t forget that sure, it’s not something we agree with, but hey. It’s an opinion. Deal with it! If opposition didn’t present itself, then maybe this world would be quite different. (Ein drittes Reich, nicht wahr?)
So what? Yeah, there are just some people who just plain don’t like the book. What are you going to do about it? Name calling? There’s no need to be so vehement about it. I’ll be honest. I’d LOVE to read all the criticism, but after the first 20 angry fangirl/boy/mother/father/second-cousin-once-removed comments, I’m hearing the same thing. And let me say something right now.
“Hi, nice to meet you! Let’s go sit down, have a drink while I hit you with this very heavy book. Oh, don’t worry. It’s fiction! It won’t hurt you one bit. Oh but I haven’t written a best-seller yet.
Oh, and I really don’t quite agree with what you have to say. Please don’t call the hospital! The heart attack’s all in your head!”
I enjoyed the first book a lot, but soon the hype got too big and the novelty of a “guilty pleasure” just wore off. The second one completely killed it and now the buzz is just gone. Now I just read it for the cheap laughs.
My comment is really old news, but I’m always the last one to find these things out…
And I apologize about my “fancy” speech. It’s a habit. 
But anyway, I think I love you Ms. Rice! Please marry me so we can have vampire/human bebbehz. Oh wait. I forgot to mention that I’m a vampire. Yeah, because that’s kinda important.
Sarcasm you’re doing it right.
Fucking brilliant. Now we just need SMeyer to read it.
This is beautiful.
I love this, Kellen Rice! You’re very brave to write these articles continually with all these crazy fangirls out there attempting to bring you down. =)
And just to be clear… Her name is Meyer, not Meyers, right? Great fans you are, to not even get your hero’s name right!
And I’d love to join your stake-out, Erynn. Toss me one of those fold up chairs, will you? <3
I’m very, Very sorry
after reading your latest post, I have to eat my own words.
you talk sense, Ms Rice.
I am quite embaressed now, to tell you the truth. but i will not take back what i did say, really, because You were TOO HARSH in your last article, there really was no need to say ‘twilight sucks.. and not in a good way’, because it does not suck
although, you have pointed out alot of the ’suck-ish’ parts in this article
Must scroll back up and re-read for full attempt.
BUT, might i ask, who are you trying to appeal to?
Twilighters? Meyer- fanatics?
or Just people>?
I find it kind of insulting, as a Twilight fan, to read your work, even if, said article, above, was decent, and true.
Georgina.
Thank you.
If only Stephenie Meyer would read this. Her reaction would be hilarious. -sigh-
Christina
Parents need to be responsible for their children’s intake, but that does not give authors, filmmakers, etc. a free pass to create questionable content in their works and not be call out on it, especially when it is /aimed/ at children.
You dislike the snarky and biting tone of the article and find it overly provocative well, the actions and the attitudes of the fans and the author equally infuriate the rest of us. To be told to be quiet, it is /only/ fiction, that finding the disturbing undertones is only in our heads. and not /valid/ is provocative and infuriating.
You are welcome to your stance and I thank you for being so polite and coherent about it, but I will have to respectfully disagree wholeheartedly with it.
You know what else was a first novel?
Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell.
First novel is no excuse for bad writing/research.
I… I love you so much for this.
Words can not explain the brilliance of this article.
This article and you are made of pure win and awesomeness.
I am your fan. Forever.
haha. the hateful bitchy teenager strikes again. you really are still a kid, I don’t know why your ‘fans’ are critisizing some of the people who wrote comments because they’re teens, too.
I absolutely adore well-written, snarky commentary (and I am quite serious about this). It’s so painful to see that young adult literature has been reduced to such utter dreck and, even more appalling, that it is being defended vociferously. It seems that these are the students that won’t bother with reading something more worthwhile like Dostoyevsky, Poe, Whitman or Dickenson. That would require something akin to taking effort to understand a work deeper than the gene petri dish that they’ve been dipping their toes in.
To those posters who claim “Just go ahead and write something better…”, there is quite a bit of exceptional young adult literature out there, I just doubt that you’ll ever read it because it lacks those elements the author so succinctly outlines above. It may be her opinion, bitter viewpoint, yadda yadda yadda, but hers is a very astute observation that, as a former teacher myself, I see as a very disturbing literary trend.
Ms. Rice, I applaud your well-written, very apropos follow-up to your previous article. Well done!
I want to have your baby and name it Nessie.
I’m going to university for journalism next year, and reading such delightful, sarcastic articles make me realize why I picked this career in the first place. You are brilliant and hilarious and I hope one day I can write something as clever as this.
Two words…THANK YOU. Finally someone has the wit to come up with some actually intelegent reason about why Twilight isn’t the greatest book ever written. Let’s face it that is what the readers of the series are treating it like, everyone fan that I have spoken to has said “it’s a great book” or “you would like it if you read it!”. The latter comment is my favorite, I don’t want to read it, ever!!! It would be an act of futility if I read the book. I would still hate. Whenever one of the anti-Twilight people says the book sucks, the twilight fans immediatley pick up pitch forks and torches and tries to kill the person who made the comment. It’s a book people calm down. WE DO NOT LIKE IT, so let us not like it, we do not try to get you to not like so don’t try to get us to like, we have differing opinions, leave us alone about it.
One of the major problems I have, besides all the hype surrounding the series, is that fact that Stephanie Meyers took all the vampire lore that made vampires balanced, I.E. WEAKNESS, and she crapped all over it. Vampires who walk in the sun, I almost had a stroke, vampires, I repeat VAMPIRES, that do not have fangs……..need I say more. The series is ridiculous. To the fans, stop treating Stephanie Meyers like she craps out ice cream. She is not a goddess of literature, she is not worth of sitting in the same state as Anne Rice, author of the Vampire Chronicles. If someone wants to read a real vampire drama/love story pick up that series. As for Ms. Meyers, this is all I have to say, YOU GOT LUCKY STOP WHILE YOUR’E AHEAD.
Then again, she could get away with the series that from Edwards P.O.V, Midnight Sun. Which I have a feeling is only going to be the exact thing as the Twilight series with the names simply revered. If this is the direction fictional writting is taking then I mourn for the world.
Thank you for these illuminating articles Ms. Kellen Rice. - LeSTAt
I <3 you!
Amazing and so true.
Ms.Rice-
Do I agree with you at all? No. But was this article a hell lot better than the last one? Yeah. But only because the heavy sarcasm and humor. Am I somewhat ashamed of loving Twilight? Yeah, but I’m still into Twilight. I love books, and have read too many to believe that Twilight is so bad. If you have to bash a book, move on to ‘Jacob Have I Loved’ please. Then you will be my hero.
I adore this article. It’s amusing to see so many people getting angry about someone pointing out the flaws of this hacky series. I’m surprised Stephenie Meyer hasn’t received the Bulwer Lytton award yet.
Just wondering. Could you please experiment using the tips you mentioned before and post the story on the internet? It would be really interesting.
You know, the whole “Oh, like you could do better than the genius of Stephanie Meyer!” shtick is still funny, even when disingenuously phrased like Alyssa’s is.
hahahahhahahha
oh my god I love you.
I almost feel like boycotting Little Brown for even publishing the series. You know, I feel like this should be a big story. Like why isn’t any major news outlets reporting about these books. They’re so extremely anti-feminist and yet all these teenage girls are reading and loving them… that is screaming trouble and wrong and horrible and frightening all at the same time. But no one seems to be noticing. Well, you’re noticing, of which I am extremely grateful by the way.
Nico-
I was completely serious. It really would be interesting.
Alyssa–
Check out the Friday lit review over at Feministing. They are doing a classic YA like Jacob I have Loved, and Deenie and such.
” I don’t want to read it, ever!!! It would be an act of futility if I read the book. I would still hate”…” WE DO NOT LIKE IT, so let us not like it,”
okay, i am completely for stating your opinion, but i dont think you can really form an opinion without reading the books.
that said, i am a proud fan of the series and i also really enjoyed reading these articles. not only did you support your points, you are an amazingly entertaining writer… much like SM, as much as you might not think so. both your writings are writen solely to get people hyped up.
SM’s writing is completely unrealistic, and even though i adored the books, i am a realist too. i doubt this book was written to be a guide on a proper relationship or anything, but just for the purpose of entertaining readers. it may have been mushy, but you cant deny the facts. the fact is it DID sell brilliantly because it was so enjoyable to put yourself in bellas shoes and escape into the impossible paradise she lives.
and just to put it out there; of all the twilight fans i know, nobody likes bella, showing that probably most fans dont idolize her.
to end–i thought i should say i am ashamed of my fellow twi-hards and i hope you know that not all of us are ranting morons who dont know a diplomatic way to share their comments.
much love ♥
Jocelyn
Be proud of your crack, love your crack, don’t be ashamed of it. Twilight has nothing on the VC Andrews I remember reading as a kid; recognizing the failings of a series doesn’t diminish it, only enhances your insight.
This, I think, trumps your previous article! Perfect sarcasm and the outline is, truly, a masterpiece. A foolproof scheme to make millions! Love it! Next time I’m hard up for cash, I’ll be sure to try it. Though I’m not sure even starvation is a good enough reason to unleash another Twilight or similar on the world. Haven’t we suffered enough?
i have to admit that i was so completely curious about these twilight books that i just HAD to read them. i got to the end of twilight and the only thing running through my mind was “people actually READ this?”….and through, as you said, morbid curiosity, i’m reading new moon and i’m barely past those empty months because i’m cringing so much i fear that i may cause myself injury.
i tried to explain why i disliked the book to my friends, but i’m not great at explaining myself. so i shall point them towards both this article and the previous one because you have said exactly what i felt.
come on girls!! have some self respect!!!
Perfect article.
NOTE: not a stupid, over dramatic, Fangirl response.
I understood, your dry Humor, dear Writer of said Article above, and I would like to explain in brief points, what i think..
ONE: Abuse the thesaurus- Firsly, Ms.Meyer- did not Abuse the thesaurus, All of the readers of the novels- find her use of language distinct, and quirky, and very telling of the main Protragonist.
TWO Do not research- ugh. Your so ‘funny’ saracasm, yet again.
I’m pretty sure, you mean ‘Forks’? yes.. well while it is clear Meyer changed some of the main parts in the landscape of Forks, isnt that the whole point of Fiction? Forks is a very big part in the story, as most settings are. It is desribed beautifully, even if meyer has or has not done her research. She paints such a vivid picture- we can all see the green, and the endless labrinth of forest, as described in the prose.
THREE: Do not give your characters personalities- DID you even READ the novels? Each character has a personality, and each character differs. as with everyone!- Bella Swan- Well, I don’t think Meyer made her ‘perfect’ or ‘enderingly Klutzy’, and it is UTTERLY unfair for you to think that socially retarded girls can feel better reading about her. YOU COW, and Bella has alot of Flaws- for one, she more than often feels Self Consious- and insecure, she feels alone, and that nobody is ever on the ’same page’ as her, not even her mother, whom she felt closer to than anyone else in the world. so, when she meets Edward- she finds that someone else out there, is actually on the ’same page’ as her, and that really is, a major point..
Bella is very misunderstood by you- she is not stupid, or too ‘perfect’, anything but, she is very REAL, and has many Problems, like many teenage girls, and boys- alike, face. but, since it’s Fiction- it is over put, and described more dramatically, for effect. Huh-Huh, C;mon Kellen, you’re supposed to be a wannabe Writer. i’m almost sure you’re secretyl jealous of Meyer or something!!
AND don’t even DARE say that Edward has no personality. and that he is too ‘perfect’. he has the most flaws, of all the characters. he is the most troubled, and he is haunted by the demons because of his immortality. Hardly perfect, and he isnt your typical ‘bad boy’ is he? Since when do Bad boys run around saving peoples lives?
and I don’t honesly see where you are going with the whole, him always saving Bella’s live- why wouldnt he do that, he is in love with her!
Yes, Edward is DESCRIBED, as utterly Breathtakingly beautiful (Ya-da,yada, yaadaa) but, bear in mind that, the books are in BELLA’S POINT OF VIEW- therefore, she is so in love with him - she see’s past all flaws. as with anyone, when you are IN LOVE, you don’t mind your other half’s faults- infact, that makes them all the more dear to you, and you love them even more.
Bella is what Edward waited centuries for, and when he found her he was confused for a while, he was alone for so long, but she opened him up, broke down the walls he had build around himself, and made him feel more human than he’d ever felt in his exsistance, before he was changed. OF COURSE, he is going to be overprotective, of his ’savior’ ( she saves him in many ways too) because when he’s with her, he is.. more alive than he’s ever felt. and he couldnt bear to live without her in his life. she is his life, and they are soulmates.
simply, brilliant characters, and simply beautiful writing.
FOUR: Ensure that your heroine and hero’s relationship is abusive. - read above. Kellan, Love.
FIVE: There should be no plot- Read them again, and stop expecting Harry Potter the second.
Twilight -Forbidden love
New Moon-Lost love
Eclipse- choices.
the running theme- Bella’s Mortality- wanting to be with Edward Forever, and also wanting to be completly sure that is what’s best for her.Jacob black provides interesting conflict, and New moon is Meyer’s most raw, most beautiful, work YET. Eclipse, long winded, but worth it, we hear about Rosalie, and Jasper, and how they came to be, and we get to see some Inner turmoil with Bella, and her decison : Life, or death- but which is which?
Forever.
SIX: Profit- Well, any brilliant, compelling, wonderfully done Book, would rake in the rewards. Any profit made, Ms.Meyer deserves. because her books are so loved, so precious, and so big, all over the world.
Go raibh mile, mile, maith agut, a chara.
slan go foil.
Oh dear lord, you’re at it again.
Have you any life?
and this was not a good article
IT SUCKED, and not in a good way.
You don’t like the series- FINE!
get over it!!
Almost everyone else- minus your ‘fans’ ( who are probably all YOU anyways)
Loves the series, and KNOWS THAT IT MAY NOT BE THE GREATEST BOOK IN THE WORLD- NOBODY EVER SAID IT WAS.
PLEASE, JUST STOP THIS, IT’S CHILDISH, AND NEEDLESS.
and I feel Hurt for Stephenie Meyer- you’re hatred towards her is not needed. Just Butt Out and go and Write you’re novel- Look forward to seeing it on the New york Times Best seller list- and Knocking HP off the charts.
=)
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!
damm It woman, just SHUT UP.
I don’t care if i sound like an immature fangirl, when Infact I am 18,
I loved everything about the books, because of how EASY they are to read- no big words needed, and just heartwarming, compelling PROSE, and just really good plot lines- that make you keep reading on and on- even if you don’t want to.
Theese books- stay with you, long after you’ve turned the final page- as all of us know- INCLUDING YOU, KELLEN RICE!
so yes, I hope you are reading all the comments.
You’re useless attempt at Sarcasm, was PATHETIC.
completly UNCALLED FOR.
I’m not here to cuss at you, or make a fool of myself
TWILIGHTERS are a SMART, Unique, awesome bunch of people, and you clearly can’t see that- ,you need to really GROW UP,
and just live your life, and stop trying to bring everyone down.
That Is All.
Oh and TWILIGHT SERIES, FTW.
(=)
PEACE